Intro

I missed LiveJournal, but I thought a fresh start away from there was best.
Since I started my journey with my new coven and did my first degree YAAD class I was keeping a journal, but in a book and handwritten - writing in there was more therapeutic than I'd realize and I missed being on LJ - but spending the time handwriting in the book and then typing the same stuff into LJ seemed pointless.
So now that I'm beginning into my second degree YAAD class I don't think we're required to keep a daily journal, but I think with the changes my life has been going through since October I need some kind of outlet.

So let's begin.
Define irony.
I have 2 boys and have wanted more kids since Aidan was born. So in October when I find out that I'm pregnant yet once again, I crumble. It's February and I'm still not put back together. Guess that makes me Humpty Dumpty. You'd think I'd have been excited to have another one -  I freely admitted that I wanted more kids, but Andy's desire to not have any more kids was keeping us from having any more. I struggled with trying to accept not having any more and wanting another baby so bad I could taste it. The kids got older and I got freedoms I wouldn't have had with a baby in the house.
And then I got laid off and was out of work for 16 months.
At first I was scared and sad - I missed my friends at work (I still do, I don't get to see them ever and hardly ever talk to them. The growing distance hurts.), and I was afraid we couldn't make it without my salary. We had enough space on our credit cards and I had a severance package. I looked and applied for the "perfect" job and in the meantime I made good use of my time as a full-time stay-at-home mom.
Fast forward 12 months - we are out of available credit, we've pared down our grocery bill to between $80 and $100 a week for a family of four, and I cooked dinner 6 nights a week. We also managed to come close to $0.00 or slightly overdrafting every single paycheck. I agonized over every penny we spent and stressed myself out so bad I began having back problems. The pain was unbearable while sitting, so I spent most of my time lying on the floor. I couldn't sleep from the anxiety and it was all I could do to ignore the feeling of dread that thinking about our money situation.
And then I find the job opportunity that could turn it all around for us.
It's a temporary job, but a full-time job. I decide that I can do full time, make that kind of sacrifice on a short-term basis because I can generate the money twice as fast.
I get the job.
I hate it from the very beginning, and I feel like the most horrible mother on the face of the planet for what I perceive that my kids are missing out on by my not being there to drop them off AND pick them up from school every day. But I work through it knowing it's only temporary and the money I'm making is taking HUGE amounts of stress off me and allowing us to make headway into our debt and have the possibility of seeing our dreams for our future come true.
That was August.
By October, I had begun to settle into a rhythm in my new job. I still hated it, but I was getting comfortable and finding my groove. Then life throws the ultimate curve ball. I notice that my period had been starting around the new moon and I had missed a new moon period. I didn't believe I could be pregnant, but got a test anyway. The day I took the test we'd had an awesome day - we went to the mall (which we haven't done in forever, it felt like), and had pretzels from Wetzel's. I remember feeling really happy and it felt SO good. Finally. My effort was worth it. Then I take the pregnancy test and figure it'll turn up negative.
It doesn't. And the crumbling begins.
The pregnancy test ruins our whole weekend and Andy's and my relationship is put to the ultimate test. We have a choice to make.

(to be continued...)